The Magic Within: The BeakerRick Story
by spiralookami
Summary: Two tales merge into one. In the first, a dragon and the giant squid  go on an epic quest to eat the world's ugliest human, and the other a follows  a young sexgod and his exploits at Hogwarts. Mischief and adventure abound in  this thrilling tale.
1. Chapter 1

Hello everyone! This is just something my friend and I were writing through posts on facebook, so don't take it too seriously. It's just here for entertainment.  
>But if you do like it please feel free to comment!<p>

Harry Potter and all related subjects (c) J.K. Rowling

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><p>It was a sunny day when a Norwegian Ridgeback landed by the side of Hogwarts School of Wizardry's lake. The giant squid popped his head out of the lake and was like "Dude, dragon, this is going to sound really weird, but it's always been my dream to eat a human." Then the dragon looked down at the squid and said "Dude, I eat human's all the time. Regular ones don't taste very good. You need to find something weirder. They carry all the magical deliciousness." The squid looked at the dragon with interest. "How about a really big asshole of a human? Oh oh oh, a really ugly one! Sometimes, the ugly fish taste better than the pretty ones. Think the same thing may apply to humans?" "Won't know till we try!" The dragon shouted joyously. He scooped up the squid and deposited him on his back. "Hold on tight, our magical adventure to find the ugliest, tastiest human starts now! ADVENTUUUUURRRREEEEEE!" With a bounding leap, the dragon flapped its massive wings and took off into the skies, giant squid in tow.<p>

Meanwhile...  
>Back on the grounds of Hogwarts, a group of students looked up at the skies to see what appeared to be a dragon being violated by the giant squid as it few towards the horizon.<br>"Fuck. Hogwarts is weird." one of them said.  
>The second nodded his head. "Yep. And it's a wonder why our parents send us here to risk our lives with all the crazy shit that goes on."<br>"Definately." the third replied.  
>"Wanna have sex?" the first replied.<br>"Threesome?" the second said.  
>"You're on."<br>The three left to go have magical adventures in the dorm rooms of Hogwarts as a lonely house elf looked on in fear.  
>"Oh bother, looks like we're going to have another magical infestation of non aquatic crabs again. Fuck."<br>The little house elf raised it's itty bitty fists to the sky and sank to its knees.  
>"FUUUUUCCCCCCKKKKKKK!"<p>

The three students ran to the Slytherin common room, skipping and holding hands joyously whilst singing a wonderful, monotone chorus of their favorite song, "Like a Virgin." As they approached their dorms, they came to the sad realization that due to Hogwart's new magically enforced rules, males could not enter female common rooms, and vice versa. The trio looked down, saddened. Then, one looked up with excitement, "Wait!" she said, "But I'm really a man!" She took off her wig, to reveal that she was really Vincent Crabbe. The blonde boy stared, until finally he spoke. "We should totally go to the Room of Requirement." "Oh Draco, I knew you'd understand!" Crabbe said. "Let's go, Goyle!"  
>As the trio skipped down the hall, they ran into Professor Snape. "And where are the three of you going?" he questioned. "Uhm...nowhere." Draco replied. "I see..." said Snape, "and what exactly will you be doing, in nowhere?" Silence ensued... "BAKING MUFFINS." Goyle screamed. Snape paused "...then take these." He reached into his cloak pocket and gave them a bag of Bertie Botts Every Flavor Condoms.<p>

The three jolly (and horny) young boys skipped up to the 5th floor and entered the room of requirement. As the door appeared they opened it without hesitation. Dozens of candles floated in the air all around the rose petal covered room. In the center was a large, ornate bed. It was covered in dark red sheets and the pillows were large and fluffy. In the center of the bed sat a young man. He sat provocatively, with a heart shaped pillow providing some decency to the party that was in his pants. "Who are you?" Draco demanded to the shirtless boy. "I," the boy began, "am Neville "Sexgod" Longbottom."

In the meantime, somewhere over Ireland, the giant squid and the norwegian ridgeback were on their search for the douch-iest human they could find. "Hey, land in that lake over there!" the squid shouted. The dragon circled, and saw that the squid had spotted another mythical friend; the loch ness monster. "Hey, what's your name?" the squid said to his fellow aquatic beast. "My name is Stan. What brings you two here?" The dragon gently dropped the squid into the lake, and set himself on the shore of the lake. "I'm  
>Rick, and this is my lake-dwelling friend, Beaker. We're hungry, and we want to eat a human. But, we want to eat one that's a really big asshole." the dragon replied. "Well," replied the squid, "I can't really help you out much, but we can do one thing..." The squid stared intently. "What might that be?" he inquired. "THROW A SEXI PARTY!" The three beasts cheered, and loud dubstep started playing out of nowhere.<p>

A large bubble surrounded Beaker allowing him to follow Stan and Rick as they dove deep down into the loch. The music got louder the deeper they went, and soon they found themselves outside a large sunken palace. "Come on in guys!" Stan said, "The party will be fantastic!" Lights glowed from many places, reflecting through the water and creating a rainbow of colors everywhere they looked. Dolphins, fish, merpeople, and the occasional Blastoise raved on the dance floor. "This place is awesome!" the dragon/squid pair shouted as they joined the crowd, jamming to the beat as they threw their claws/tentacles about like they just didn't care. After a few minutes however, Beaker tapped Ricks shoulder and pointed to the far corner of the room. Rick's giant eye wandered over to the DJ booth where a man, skin pale as can be and dressed in black robes, rocked out as he played the tunes for the funtastic party that happened around him. He held up a pair of headphones to his ear and messed with his soundboard. Then he gave a little sneeze. The duo gave a slight grimace as they watched him wipe a trail of snot that oozed down his flat face from his nonexistent nose before he wiped it away with a special waterproof hankie. As his hand came closer to his face they saw a slight shimmering of light appear around his head; it must have been some sort of magic that allowed those wizard-creatures the ability to breathe underwater. "Man he's ugly," Beaker stated. Then Beaker's eyes opened wide. "WE SHOULD TOTALLY EAT THAT UGLY FUCKER." Rick thought for a second, and decided they must devise a plan to get the ugly-ass wizard out of the water. Meanwhile at Hogwarts, Neville "Sexgod" Longbottom was working his charm. "You know guys... my bottom isn't the ONLY thing on me that's long.. ;D"


	2. Chapter 2

Suddenly, the boys were interrupted when Professor Snape ran into the Room of Requirement, giggling and holding what appeared to be Blast Ended Skrewt Powder from Weasley's Wizard wheezes. "Ooooh, Filch is gonna be mad when he finds out where I put..." he turned slowly. "..hello, children," he said, in his monotone voice, "and what are you doing in a room such as this?"

Crabbe and Goyle immediately panicked and ran from the room, leaving Draco and Neville looking at each other in shock. Draco then dove behind the bed, squealing like a girl as he hid behind the headboard and Neville just gave the Potions master a sheepish grin. "E-evening Professor Snape..."

Snape looked at his star pupil, disappointed, and turned to Neville. "Well, it's obvious who the man in this relationship is." Neville looked down, expecting punishment. "Mr. Longbottom," the teacher said, "I will give you 30 sickles if you never speak of what you heard me say." Neville thought for a moment. "Hm...maybe it 40 and give me a passing grade on your next test." Snape stared "...Done deal, Mr. Longbottom. I must say, I'm rather proud of your negotiation skills. Too bad you weren't a Slytherin, I could have taught you well." Neville gulped, and watched the professor take the back exit out of the room and into the dungeons. "You can come out, now." he said to Draco, "And since when am I the brave one? Things are really getting weird around here..."

Weirdness wasn't the only thing happening at Hogwarts at this time. Back in the Great Hall it was Chinese food night, and many students were already sitting down and chowing on the delicious, high sodium food that the school's house elves had prepared earlier that evening. "This is delicious!" Ron Weasely said as he simultaniously shoved an egg roll in his mouth with one hand and reached for two more with the other. Harry Potter looked up from his bowl of shrimp fired rice and nodded his head in agreement, "We really should have food like this more often. It's not like they allow us to order take out at Hogwarts. And when was the last time I ate rice? Fuck this is awesome." Hermione just shook her head, "Watch your language Harry." Harry just rolled his eyes at this, prompting her to glare. "What's your problem today?" "Nothing. It's just that ever since we made Empathy potions in class I've been really moody latey. Is this how you girls get when you have your period? Jeez, if I had to go through this every month I would rip out my ovaries with Godric Griffindor's sword. If I ever had to fight a boggart again, I wouldn't defeat it with laughter, I'd just act like a priss and nag it to death." Givng a sigh, Hermione ignored The-Boy-Who-Lived-To-Be-An-Asshole and opened the fortune cookie that had been sitting on her empty plate of sweet and sour chicken. "What's it say?" Ron asked when he saw the confused look in Hermione's eyes. "That wasn't chicken." "What?" Harry and Ron both looked at her strangely. "That's what it says," she exclaimed, handing the small piece of paper over to her red-headed friend, "See?" He took it from her hands and examined it curiously. "That wasn't chicken," he repeated. Then he turned the paper over, "That was a baby." The trio stared in shock for a few seconds before Hermione suddenly jumped up, clutching her at her mouth and stomach while making gagging noises. As she stumbled out of the Great Hall and towards the women's bathrooms, Harry leaned closer to Ron. "Looks like your brothers got into the kitchen again and decided to mess with the fortune cookies. I wonder what other kinds of fortunes they came up with." Suddenly from across the Hall Cho Chang stood up and slammed her fists on the Ravenclaw table. "What the hell kind of fortune is this?"

The Great Hall suddenly became quiet at Cho's outburst. All eyes watched her as she stared intensely at the small scrap of paper in her hands. "What's wrong, Cho?" one of the other Ravenclaws asked. "This fortune cookie is filled with nothing but lies!" Everyone continued to stare. "What does it say?" she asked the Asian witch beside her. Cho took in a deep breath in an attempt to calm down. "It says," she began, "it says 'Chinese lesbians: pussy is a delicacy in their country.' But it's not true! I've never eaten a cat before!" Luna Lovegood, quite startled at her asian friend, said quietly, "Uhm...Cho...that's not the 'cat' they are referring to..." Cho thought for a moment, and scratched her head. Ginny ran over, and whispered into her ear. Suddenly, a look of realization appeared on her face. "Oh, you mean like that fivesome we had with Hermione and Professor McGonnagol?"


End file.
